YES Unfortunately I am still HERE.... breathing.... fat..... not happy.

I am waiting for a caffiene buzz so I can get on the treadmill for about 2 hrs.

I will do my usual situps/crunches, pilates, pushups, modified ballet....

I want to get as thin as I used to  be... I know it is not hard. Only about 6 lbs... IT seems like I am much heavier than 6 lbs. But honestly, I am actaully scared of what I am capable of doing to myself. Once I get going, I will not stop! I love it! I should wait till after a public appearance that I have Tuesday, then let it all begin.

Again.

I will never be normal about food... or how to deal with it. Even if I appear normal for one day, it will all still be embedded in my head, which will go to my thighs, and my belly... I am NEVER going to be normal about food. It is a sad reality.

Shit fcking damnit.

My kidneys hurt today... too much purging. I don't care. I cannot allow myself to be a fat cow.

I am so mad. I realized that before I came home, my mom was cleaning out my room and found the ZN3 that I had stashed (well I thought). and thew them away. What the hell.

I should take some of my brother's valium back to tx with me so I can take them with vodka and see what happens.

I am in a rage (my, how I miss these sudden rages... I feel almost a strange comfort). Where do I start? Ok, I am having a problem with my living situation. I want to sell my house, or rent it at least, and move. But it is not as easy as it sounds. I am stressing over that. - my family has huge communication issues (that is not new). It seems like someone has to be practically dead or suicical, or buzzing for the lines of communication to open without someone screaming. Oh and then there is where you say something and all you hear is silence. That one's the best. ok, let's not all talk at once.

Then the other thing: I * Am * Fat

I don't care what the scale says, or what size my clothes are. The point is, I AM FUCKING FAT.

I need more ZN3 to replace what my mom threw out (what the hell?!! the Nerve!).

I have decided that when I am alone again in tx, with nobody to bother me, I am losing weight. Shit, I did it last year... 20lbs in about a month, I will do it this year. I don't care what it takes. My body is already used to all the abuse that ana-mia throws me anyways.

I am a loser. Could my parents be any more ovbious? I know they think it too.

I * Hate * It*

Better off dead.

Fat - Cow-

Well I am heading back to tx Wenesday. The time here has went way too fast. I either ate like a pig and purged every chance I got. Somedays I exercised alot, but since I am on vacation, I told myself before I got here to mellow out on the exercise so I could enjoy time with my family and friends. That was difficult. Last time I spent the entire time (literally) exercising day and night. I would even sneak it. That explains why I was thinner then than I am now damnit. So, some days I restricted so much or didn't eat, and some days was the opposite with purging. sigh. Never normal.

I found a store that is like a huge outlet for anything, and they have a 'health and vitamin' section. I saw some Hoodia pills for so cheap! I wanna buy like 3 bottles, but i am worried about ppl seeing me (the embarassment), or my mom finding the evidence before or after I leave (it makes me sad to see her sad and feeling helplesss over this e.d.).

And my suitcase is filled so much! It sucks cause I wanted to go to the body shop and go to my favorite thrift stores on capitol hill in Seattle, but then nothing will fit in my suitcase damnit! I am taking back some books of music, and ballet, clothes that I left here last time, ballet stuff... 4 pairs of pointe shoes, various warmups, and 2 leotards.. That ballet stuff is cause I realized how much I miss dancing. If anything, I can at least dance at my house. Actually, I had it organazied so I did ballet 3 times a week (at my house, in the mornings), and pilates at the gym 2 or 3 times a week.

Then everything changed cause all of a sudden I started doing treadmill speedwalking of about 12.5 miles a day. I alost alot of weight. I am sure that I gained it all back during this trip. But I was too tired to do anything else..(as if that matters to me... keeping a strict regimen, and following the 'rules' are all that matters).

I am just trying to appear 'normal' here so I don't worry my family. After all the e.d complications that happened last year and seeing how sad and helpless feeling everyone was, I can't let that happen again. Well, at least not to thier knowlege.

How sad.

I'll just lose weight *alot of it*, when I am back to my solitude (i live alone, and am not very sociable... except for seeing my bf a few days out of the wk).

The good thing is, I decided to say fuck it, and get a computer finally. I'll just make a payment plan. So at least I will have that to pass my time. My brother is a tech, so he is finding me one with what I need on it, for a good deal. I will have it delivered when I get back.

Hello all. Unfortunately I am still here (meaning breathing and living on with this stupid e.d). Anyhoo I will be updating more frequently cause my other site cannot be discovered! I will be going home to Washington on Monday until Auguat 31st.

For those who have not seen my other site, nothing really has changed. I have a townhouse now in Corpus Christi (I hate corpus), I actually have a boyfriend (shock huh) for the past few months, and ana has been overthrown by mia (of course), and an exercise obsession as bad as last year.

My weight is plateaued at 91. You would think that with all the exercise and purging I would be a bit smaller. I am trying to appreciate this cause most people say that I am "so little"... but you know it it works.

So about my house.... it is a spacious 2 bedroom (I wanted to make that huge attic into another bedroom, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. IT is cute and just a few minutes from the beach. But. I don't like Corpus. It is so- not- me. That is too bad cause my parents bought the house, but I can rent it in the fall. I have already planned to move back to San Antonio. It is a bigger city... more opportunities... plus my hunni lives there (not that it is a huge influence of my decision being that I had planned this out before we got serious, but now it is a plus).

The band... sigh. where do I begin. All I will say is that I have pretty much decided to quit. There is 2 members that are so conceited and selfish, unappreciatve of ALL my fckin sacrifices (wth.. I bought a house just to be located in Corpus next to them, traveled back and forth between wa and tx last fall just cause they asked, cancelled  vacations to go visit my family, drove my car halfway across texas for a gig cause they didn't wanna rent a big van) anyways, those 2 girls are evil. All they do it party and use drugs and backstab everyone. They are burning so many bridges in this business that I don't even wanna be a part of it anymore. They have the nerve to expect me to drive the 2.5 hr drive from S.A to Corpus after midnight when I return cause "coincedentally" they scheduled a video shoot the day after I get back. Ok. I don't like to drive alone, at night. By the time I actually get back to Corpus and choose my clothes for the video, fall asleep... it will be like 4AM (my flight lands at almost midnight)... not to mention that flying always runs me down. So these girls are so inconsiderate. They refuse to change it (As if one day is so difficult), and if they will make a video without me after everything that I have done, then I told them I will leave the group. They said that I am "spoiled" and "irresponsible". Look who's talking. They always cancel shows when they want to go home, AND I have had this trip planned for Months. And as for the "irresponsible" comment, who is the one taking bags of cocaine from fans in public places, driving home drunk every night,  never paying thier bills on time cause they are expecting thier bf's to do it.... there we go. Anyways ya. Enough. I am happy that I will no longer have this stress anymore. They all do playback and can barely play thier own instruments to begin with anyways. How fake. I am the only one with real music training and genuine talent.. well, actually the backup vocalist has a good voice so she has the opportunity to go solo, but for some reason is putting off the deal (stupid hit... she is not clicking).

Anyways so I will do salon work or work in a bookstore (for some reason that really appeals to me), get a house (if I have to, I will rent an apartment for a few months just to get the hell away corpus and those ungrateful girls. I have an idea of where I want to live already. So I am not wasting any time. I also have connections at another recording studio so we will see where that goes. I also want to give piano lessons (I got a beautiful Baldwin Upright console after I moved into my townhouse).

Ok. So my hunni. Let's see. It is so difficult to keeo the e.d. hidden. I would die of embarassment if he knew exactly what I was up to... the reason I am so antisocial, the reason for my increasing panic. His name is Sin. He is also a musician and writes arrangements too. He is more of a jazz pianist, while I am more classical. He has huge deep brown eyes and naturally curly hair that is long, but he braids it back... I prefer it loose. It makes him look like more of a hippie. He treats me so well.. very respectful, never critical, thoughtful, and we can talk things out instead of arguing and staying mad. Actually, now that I think of it, we never really fight.  They are small little "talks/ vents" that sort themselves out.

The only thing that is making things difficult, is...e.d. It is too  bad.